Fear of the future

We all present different faces to the people we know. The brilliant and scary neurologist at work turns into a subservient, quiet wife at home. The rough-and-tumble, foul-mouthed street tough changes into a kind, gentle brother at home. Those I know would describe me as independent, sarcastic, outspoken and gregarious ( if they don't describe me in far more unflattering terms :) ), the fun, somewhat interesting, quirky one in the family. But oddly enough I don't see myself that way. I always see myself as a lil shy, awkward, terribly tongue-tied with strangers ( especially tall, dark, handsome ones ) and... yes, terrified of change.

Believe it or not, I hate change. I like my life the way it is. I like waking up knowing what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day. Get up, go to work 9 to 5 ( well, sort of but my hours are way more erratic than that :) ), get dinner, get home to bed. It might be a fucking boring rut but dammit, it's my rut and I like it. Like the stereotypical science/medicine nerd, I like schedules, plans and order.

I hate uncalculated risks. I hate vague futures.



And that's what I've gotten myself into. If you recall the course I found myself rejected for being just a tad too inexperienced... well I sent an appeal - and amazingly, especially with the twisted bureaucracy present in Malaysia, I have been selected. I have already neatly placed all thoughts of the course one year into the future and to have my plans suddenly overset has left me more than a little unsettled. Sure, I'm pleased as punch by the fact that I've gotten into the anaesthesiology course I've wanted for so long but now... I'm terrified. Can I do it? It has been so long since I really mugged like crazy so can I crack open the textbooks again?

Hell, just when I cut down on the caffeine. :)