The New Religion

Although there is much talk about the country's official religion these days, I imagine that it's all quite old news really since it's commonly known amongst the savvier local population that there's always been an infamous government-sanctioned religion that counts millions of blindly dedicated zealots as its followers.

Me amongst them.

Which is why I've been sneaking off for private regular worship with my fellow supplicants for the past few days.

After all, when the Goddess demands instant servitude - it's not long before the kow-towing Government comes hurrying desperately to meet her frivolous demands with a whole month long of drunken revelry, almost dirt-cheap Jimmy Choos and mindlessly cheap sales to soothe the easily peeved supreme tai tai of shopaholics.

Certainly not easy getting inducted into the Upper Ranks of her Shopaholiness though since it requires years of intense study of shopping catalogs, endless hours of bargain window contemplation and whole battalions of sugar daddies with well-endowed wallets.

Or you can do it the easy way and sacrifice some offerings on her moneyed altar.

17 broken toes of shopahaholic fashionistas

Admittedly a little dangerous for a boon but easy enough to fulfil the first requirement since during the battle for that perfect MNG sweater or Raoul cufflinks, more than a few toes are bound to be stepped on. The higher the blood gore count, the better pleased the bloodthirsty Goddess will be. Doesn't even matter if you don't wear it! If it's cheap and available, grab it from the next screeching fashionista ( or fashionisto if gay boys abound ). Beware of the scratching nails though. Worshippers of the Goddess come armed to the teeth for sales.

7 shopping paper bags

Irregardless of brand of course but Goddess forbid, you present her with some cheap, low-class Ah Lian of Sua Teng Brand. Immediate banishment from all her areas of worship - the shopping malls - wouldn't be unheard of.

7 bowls of shopping tears

This precious collection obviously comes from the endlessly flowing tears of defeated salespersons who get indiscriminately yelled at by crazed, mindless shopaholics for numerous reasons from out-of-stock merchandise to being overcharged for Holly Golightlys. More than a few are found slumped, semi-conscious and drooling in the changing rooms desperately clinging on to that last pair of Manolos after a horde of rampaging fashionistas have made off with the rest.

5 sliced-up credit cards

Quite self-explanatory actually. Left behind in the trail of the rampaging hordes above, distraught fashionisto tearing his teased-up pseudo-blond locks in rage as his credit rating plummets.

3 mindless spouses

Also left behind in the wake of the rampaging hordes along with the cards above, this clueless specimen is usually found shuffling aimlessly along in the state of perpetual yawn with eyes staring blankly into his watch. Usually bearer of a recently emptied ( and usually hastily! ) wallet.

1 beating heart of a virgin

Shopping virgin, that is. Not as easy to locate nowadays especially with numerous shopping malls sprouting up like mushrooms after the rain all over the country but the virgins are still around. Just have to keep your eyes peeled! Sacrificed a non-shopping bunny the year before to the cause so I'm watching out for my next victim.