Back in my schooldays, Valentine's used to be the one time of year the wily convent girls would trot over to swindle gullible young gentlemen into handing over their meagre pocket money - all for the sake of sending a wilting rose to their designated ladies fair. Granted their sweethearts had to be in the convent as well - or else the point was moot.
Obviously my wallet remained pleasingly plump. Sure I had my fair share of crushes but I doubt anything short of a knockout punch could get me close enough for a passionate liplock with one of the guys. Certainly not a bouquet.
At least that's what I thought till I received a rose one year. Though I have my niggling suspicions, I never actually confirmed the identity of the sender. I find some things are better left a secret!
Turns out not everyone's as eager to keep their feelings quiet.
A few years back while I was serving in my hometown, I actually kept company with a hillbilly country cousin. Just call it a relation by marriage. Since Chatty Christy was fresh out of the sticks and new to the city, I felt a brotherly duty to keep her pleasantly entertained by squiring her around the local sights. At least that's what I thought.
Since she was... intellectually unstimulating and babbled endlessly about nothing n particular, I'll admit I sometimes felt it quite a chore - but I nonetheless persevered with the task at hand. After all, she's family - sort of.
Here comes Christy. Where are my earplugs!
Obviously Christy saw things in a far different light. Somehow three dinners, two phone messages and a movie turned into an epic love affair worthy of note to her anxiously awaiting parents.
Fortunately I had my cousin Lispy Lori around to keep watch for me.
Lori : How are things with you and Christy?
Paul : Me and Christy? Oh God, rescue me. That girl doesn't have two thoughts to rub together!
Lori : And I thought you guys were almost hitched already.
Paul : Heaven forbid.
Lori : Her mom asked about you.
Paul : What about? My health?
Lori : Your wealth and eligibility actually. Seems like you're quite the catch on the marriage mart.
Paul : WTF. Tell her mother that I'm a depraved alcoholic who goes around deflowering virgins, starting fights and causing a general ruckus.
Lori : Still doesn't trump the doctor card.
Seriously though, I swear I never even touched her. Hell, I actually kept the far from alluring Christy at arm's length most times since her inane, mindless chatter made me feel like throttling her.
What was I to do knowing that I'd been practically married off - without my knowledge! - to her in the eyes of her exacting family? Like any other commitment-phobic fella, that very rumour that I was allegedly courting her had me heading for the hills! Went into hiding for quite a while since Christy turned out to be quite shockingly persistent.
Seems she finally got the message though since I haven't heard from her in months. Till today.
Christy : Be my Valentine.
I almost keeled over at work after receiving the message. Other than a curt thank you in reply, I found myself somewhat non-plussed. Surely she didn't think I was in the least bit interested!
15 comments:
they can be so clueless at times....ish ish ish...
HAHAHA! Deflowering virgin... Ohh geez... I pity your... err... (un)fortunate valentine! :P
But yes! Hello hello... how have you been!? 2 years plus since I last saw you... maybe longer! But yeah, hope all is well!!
Hahahahaha.... Be my Valentine, Paul. If only that message came from Chris Evans, I think you'd have keeled over for a very different reason ;P
Btw, Happy Valentine! Hope you have a great Valentine with your BF =D
I had a friend who was in a similar situation to yours. But the girl took it one step further by saying she was preggers with his kid. When the family heard that she was "preggers", they questioned her (coz her tummy wasn't showing). She even said that she had an abortion coz he told her too.
It would be almost a year for the truth to come out, but he went thru hell bcoz of her.
So Paul, be careful ;)
HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahAHHAAHa oh our stomach. You've got to think of some way to make sure any other hillbilly cousins don't get the same idea next time!
hahahahhaa.. the last msg from her was a killer one.. oh.. you should have just sent her a no thank you message instead of a thank you!
You should have replied, "Is it April Fools already?" LOL! For the love of all things good and beautiful, just tell her lah!
"You'll find someone better."?
"I'm not that into you."?
Or just point to that movie :-)
Awwwwwwwwwwwww!
Paul : WTF. Tell her mother that I'm a depraved alcoholic who goes around deflowering virgins, starting fights and causing a general ruckus.
are you for real.... just to get away from the mum!!! You can do better than that!!! PS: thanks for your advice over my site, what is your occupation anyway?
Last year, I was having V-day dinner with my 3 other gay friends at a posh hotel, but this year, I have just murdered Love Cupid yesterday, on Fiday the 13th. Why? Because I am heart-broken.
Tell her mother that I'm a depraved alcoholic who goes around deflowering virgins, starting fights and causing a general ruckus. : my goodness, you are so creative. Happy Valentine's day Paul
Oh yes they can, rae :)
Been a really long time! Have you finished? You back here, Kenji?
Did have a great Valentine, Lada. Thanks!
How scary fatal attraction, perky!! EEKS.
I shall walk around with a pink boa, janvier.
I panicked. First thought was a polite thanks, jase.
That would have driven her insane possibly, llearned :)
I shall do just that, jeremy.
Will send her your way, william!
Occupation? I'm a doc, Binn.
Don't be, mann! You were with your friends. Time to celebrate!
Same to ya, isaiah!
P
Hahahaha... you could send back "Sorry, I'm taken." If anyone asks you can say you lied to get her off your back. :P
Here is what i did. it was expensive, but i did it!
I waited til the day my pubes grew to a specific unappreciated length. And then, i didn't take a shower for three days! I asked her out! We had a nice expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant, where I acted more drunk than i actually was. I even went to the limit of farting in public! And then, back in the car, i kissed her with the worst garlic breath ever, and tried to use my teeth more than my tongue!
Problem solved.
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