Tuesday, September 14, 2010

News Fresh from the Bowels

Patients these days leave me thoroughly puzzled. Not only for their eagerness to attempt risky, highly experimental procedures but also the obsession to record the smallest minutiae of their complicated medical disorders. Video cameras in the labour room, framed photos of sonographs and youtube videos of trapped earwax.

And then you have the beautifully rendered views of your colonoscopy on a DVD. Handed out in nicely numbered and addressed white envelopes as you leave the hospital.

Exactly what do you do with all these documentation?

Docs
Paul : That was one helluva colonoscopy. It deserves a hand. Hell, give it an encore!
Ginny : Wonder what they'd do for a sequel!

For the laypersons, a colonoscopy constitutes the endoscopic examination of the colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube. Think a scenic train ride up your anus with a few pit stops during the large bowel route and ending two stations after Appendix Central - barring the occasional obstruction in the form of fecal landslides of course.

Not exactly the kinda video show you play for the curious neighbours during a formal dinner party. How exactly do you introduce a video showcasing your freshly laundered bowels?

Joe : Oh Fred and Alicia, come watch my colon!
Alicia : OMG.
Joe : Yeah, a bit of shit here and there. Probably shouldn't have taken a large dinner the night before. Oops, there's a big one.
Alicia : I think I might hurl.
Joe : Hold on, you haven't even seen the large polyp yet!

Seriously. No one - not even the greatest perv - needs to see your colon all the way up to the appendix.

Same goes for the sonograph and the earwax bit. Short of being your personal attending physician, I don't think anyone really wants to know what's going on! That precious sonograph of your fetus is just black-and-white patches to anyone else like a Roscharch ink blot. The precise high-definition shots of your bleeding vagina as the newborn baby is ripped out is just the next horror-suspense movie waiting to happen.

What's next? Gallstones as earrings?

8 comments:

Aiden said...

If this was a facebook note or something, I'd click the like button.

nicky05 said...

immediately I will be fainted,when giving birth process begun.

ABC123 said...

lol Paul! The wonders of technology!

Gallstone as the next gemstone! Start making some today and earn some $$$ by selling them! hahahaha! Your post is funny!

Janvier said...

Now they come with DVD momentos?!

Mr.D said...

You have to be careful, sometimes they tape it to catch doctors off guard and look for opp to sue.

blue said...

gallstones are earring, then staghorn calculi as cockring? LOL....

Anonymous said...

Everyone wants their own piece of home-made DIY reality tv, eh?

William said...

Quite useful to dislodge unwanted guests...