Monday, January 16, 2017

The Maybe Gay

These days it's getting harder, and harder, to tell. Wonky gay-dar notwithstanding, we also have to contend with shadily metrosexual David Beckhams multiplying by the dirty dozens in all the big metropolises; making it ever more difficult for a curious gay man to be sure who to hit on.

And who not to get hit by! Quite a crucial distinction if you want to successfully dodge that clenched fist!

So when a new eligible bachelor made his way onto the scene recently, we all immediately started hedging our bets. After all, there was little we knew about Ambiguous Aaron apart from what we could see of this curiously buttoned-up conservative.

Ever keen on the visual clues, some take the occasional conversational lisp and the suppleness of his limp wrist as a definitive sign while others depend very much on the topic of his dialogue which unfortunately ranges from the obscure medical minutiae to the political events of the day - which scarcely tells us anything - since he's quite the garrulous gentleman. The usual social media suspects such as Facebook and Instagram tells us even less since our technophobic Aaron frequently derides such shallow diversions.

Every once in a while though, Aaron does let slip the odd unicorns and rainbows that we wouldn't normally associate with someone so shockingly straight. Though certain terms have become an indistinguishable part of pop culture, only the most sexually confident hetero fellas would casually drop utterly fabulous catchphrases such as Muscle Mary and Potato Queen into their everyday conversation.

When the intermittent gay handbag tumbles out, he does try to catch himself and backtrack from his suggestive comments of course - which makes it ever more suspicious to our discerning eyes. Inevitably the hasty disavowal is followed by a vehement assertion of his rampant heterosexuality with an utterly random salacious comment.

Paul : You simply can't miss Italy. The sights, the food... the men. So effortlessly gorgeous. 
Aaron : Oh yes they certainly are. 
Paul : What? 
Aaron : I meant the Italian people. They look so great. 

Suspicious, no? Eulogize, exalts and extols the pretty boys but the girls not so much unless pointed out decidedly by me; whereupon he would hastily toss a spurious encomium. So much so that we have tagged Aaron as the Maybe Gay.

Of course it would be great to have Pietro Boselli around to prove the point but well... I probably wouldn't share him either. 

Keen-eyed critics would immediately wonder why we haven't gone the easy route by just flat-out asking him under a hrash interrogation lamp. As it turns out we actually have - though his hurried reply, we all found highly unsatisfactory.

Paul : So are you straight? 
Aaron : Uh. Yes, I am! I'm straight. I'm straight. I like girls. I want to date girls. Really. 
Paul : Hmm.
Aaron : I am!
Paul : I so believe you. 

Not even the most rabid straight hound dog we know comes up with such an emphatic response!

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